Being married to yourself

I recently had a very interesting conversation with a good friend of mine concerning his new adventures with being single. After experiencing the heartbreak of going through a divorce, my friend decided it was time to get back into the dating scene and perhaps meet another special lady who will be a better fit for him. I asked him how things were going with his online singles site and he gave me a very fascinating response; “You know Mark, I was assuming that this site consisted of all single people, but instead, many of the ladies are married.” Huh? How can that be? Why would a singles site have a bunch of married people? I know it happens on occasion that some disgruntled still married individual will use a dating site to find an escape to an unhappy marriage, but is it really true there are that many? “Well Mark, so many are married to themselves” Oh I get it! And he hit it right on the head. Sometimes you have to wonder how serious some of these members are about meeting that someone special. A heavy challenge that people who sign up for these sites face is weeding out those who are basically married to themselves.

Normally if a person is said to be married, they have a union with a member of the opposite sex. There is some crazy new thing called sologamy which is indeed being married to yourself, but for the time being, lets talk about why some people are actually married to themselves without really being aware of it.

I have experienced the dating scene myself and I know exactly what my friend is talking about. When I meet someone for the first time, I wonder in my mind about how serious they are to really get to know me. One of my last dates was a prime example. Her lifestyle seemed to be perfect. She had a good job, lots of good friends and hobbies, and her schedule was always filled with fun. She appeared to really be married to her life. Now there is nothing wrong with that, but exactly where do I fit in if we happened to develop a relationship. Would that perfect lifestyle which she seems adore but affected by having me suddenly be a part of it?

I have to admit that how my life would be affected came up as well. I must confess that I am somewhat married to myself and my life as well. Would I have enough free time to go golfing on the weekends or spend time at the lake during the summers if we became a couple. What would she think about my lifestyle and what would I have to give up? I love my freedom as single, but somehow, I keep thinking in the back of my head that freedom will suddenly disappear if I get involved in a relationship.

Most people who join dating sites are aware of these or how attached or once again married to themselves and their lives. Going from being single to in a relationship can be a rather huge adjustment. Maybe you just want to chill on a Saturday after a long work week. Instead, you are forced to travel many miles to see her family who are people who you find rather annoying. Or maybe you will be forced to missed that important ball game because your partner wants to go see her niece in some play at the theater.

Most relationship experts would probably agree with 100 percent. In order to have a fulfilling and satisfying relationship with someone, you must first get a divorce. And that would be from yourself. Sometimes I wonder how many single people on those many dating sites are actually willing to get that divorce and get married the proper way as a union with someone else. The longer you are single, the harder that divorce from yourself might be. But in the long run, it might be well worth it.

Finding love at an older age, a remarkable story

Being single for some folks is a painful situation. Everyone dreams of true love and finding that perfect soul mate to spend the rest of their lives with. When that soul mate is suddenly taken away and one becomes single again, that pain is only compounded. Especially at an older age. You begin to wonder if that is it, my one and only hope for true romance. I will grow old and have to spend the rest of my live alone. Well it doesn’t have to be and my own mother ‘s story is a perfect example of finding love at any age.

About 13 years ago, my mother suddenly became a widow one night. It was a devastating and very sad time for our family. My father really meant a lot to us and we still really miss him. My mom was a few years away from retiring and they had big plans for retirement. Suddenly, it was all taken away. My mom was alone and single.

A few years after my father’s death, my mom retired and moved to a town to be closer to her grandchildren. She also bought this huge house which has given our family so many great memories during many family gatherings. I knew deep down that she had this desire to meet some gentlemen but she seemed to be pretty content with her role as a grandmother.

My mother was deeply involved in her church and volunteered on numerous occasions. It was on one of those occasions that she met someone who would turn out to be someone very special. She was volunteering to help at a Sunday afternoon worship service for nursing home patients when she met a younger man who was the pastor of the said service.

During a family gathering last Christmas, my mother summoned everyone together for a big announcement. She announced that she was dating this wonderful man. That announcement took me and the rest of our family by surprise.

A few months ago, they announced plans for a wedding and next weekend, they will become husband and wife.  My mother who is in her early 70’s will be getting married for the second time! It just goes to show you that true love can find you just when you least expect it. It is very fitting that a couple of individuals who have a compassion for volunteering and helping others would meet and eventually get married. Yes, you can find love at an older age and without the use of an online dating site! Getting out and helping out other people can lead you to perhaps something more than you expect!

Those everlasting marriages and relationships

A local news channel did a very interesting Valentine’s Day story about a couple who just celebrated their 80th wedding anniversary. In case anyone is wondering, both of them are 99 years young. They spoke of their true love and admiration for each other, even mentioning how they love each other’s great sense of humor. They also have a very large family of sons, daughters, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. It was a very touching story that nearly left tears in my eyes. In the near future, chances are good that one of them will die and the other person will be greatly heartbroken.

Imagine being married to the same person for that long. I often wonder how people stay married that long; what is the key to that kind of longevity? Surely in the case of this couple, there had to be some bumps in the road that threatened their relationship. Perhaps there was another person involved that posed a threat to ending that relationship. Or maybe they had, at one time, a huge dispute about finances or some other problems that normally splits couples apart. If I were the reporter covering this story, I would have dug deeper into what really was the key for keeping them together for that long. It would be interesting to hear what they have to say about how they handled some of their disputes.

Sadly in this day and age, it is totally uncommon for people to stay married that long. Heck, if a couple even stays married for 10 years, that is looked upon as some sort of great achievement. Nobody values longevity in a relationship or marriage anymore; we are a society of rushing into marriage and if it works great, but if it doesn’t, well there is always someone else who I can find to replace my mistake. These type of attitudes are a terrible threat to our society. Broken homes and marriages lead to so many problems in our society, especially when children are involved. More times than not, these marriages can probably be saved if one of the couples involved just learns to quit being so self-centered and stubborn. But it is just far too easy to opt out and get a divorce. After all, why continue when you can go on the internet and find many choices to replace your spouse?

People who stay in long-lasting marriages are to be commended for their loyalty to each other. Ask anyone who has been married for a long time and they will tell you that it takes a lot of work and sacrifice to be in a successful marriage. People in their early 20’s think that marriage is some great thing that will make them happy for the rest of their lives. They are deeply blinded by the love that they have for each other. Before long, one of them might have a temper or some sort of emotional problem that was not known during the courtship. Or maybe one suddenly discover that their spouse is a free spender and financial arguments start to develop. People also tend to change a lot from their early 20’s. Every decade of living poses new changes to a couple. A couple who wants a successful and long-lasting marriage will understand these issues and learn to communicate with each other about them, even before they tie the knot.

The elderly couple that I mentioned is strong example of what marriage should be about in our society. Imagine if more marriages lasted that long? We would be much better off as a society. More children would come from homes where there is a dad and mom to come home to and be a part of their lives. Unfortunately, our society is not like that anymore. We don’t stress the need for families to stick together anymore. Marriage is something that should last a lifetime, not some long-term relationship that only lasts 5-10 years. If a couple does not see themselves being married together for the rest of their lives, then why even get married? When you look up the word marriage online or in a dictionary, a picture or short story of that elderly couple should be included. They define what marriage should be about, everlasting.

The gay marriage debate

Last week, President Obama finally came out and offered his support of same-sex marriages. The announcement really came as no surprise to me given Obama’s left-wing view on many topics. The whole issue of gay marriage is becoming a hot topic in this country and many states have or will be holding referendums on whether to set into constitutional law that marriage should be defined as a union between a man and woman.

I have friends who are homosexual and even though I disagree with their lifestyle,  I find many of them to be normal folks who just prefer to be with someone of their own sex. It really is none of my business who they date or what they do in the bedroom but it is my business when they demand to have the right to get married.

Imagine what this will lead into if all states were forced to legalize gay marriage? Suppose I was bisexual(which I am not!). Do I then have the right to marry both of my partners? I don’t you say, why not? You are discriminating against me you bigot!! If same-sex partners can get married, why not extend those rights to bisexual people? Or let’s not stop there. Suppose I wanted to marry my one of my hot cousins or my sisters.  I know this sounds foolish but I can just see those type of scenarios develop if we legalize gay marriage.  Why change an institution that has been with us for centuries?

I strongly believe in the old-fashioned marriage of having a wife and husband raising children. Studies have shown that children are more likely to grow up as successful, emotionally stable people when they are raised by both a man and a woman.  I don’t know how anyone can dispute that!! That is the real reward of marriage to society.

When we start to re-define what marriage should be, we are just heading down a slippery slope of messing up one of the world’s longest institutions. A person does not have a right to something is it affects someone else or society in a negative way.  I just wish people would look at the consequences of what gay marriage will lead to.

 

Marriage from a single guy’s perspective

Valentine’s Day is typically thought of as being the most romantic day on the calendar and a great day for guys to pop the question to their ladies. But before you ask that all important question, do you really know what you are getting into? Since I have never been married, my opinions certainly are not coming from an expert, but I would like to share my take on marriage and what the ideal marriage should be about.

Before I go any further, I am very much for marriage. I strongly believe that  successful marriages between men and women can have very positive impacts on our society. In many cases, these people also raise good families. Having good people in our society is extremely vital for our success and usually good, quality people are the product of a loving, solid relationship by their parents. And they tend to grow up and have successful marriages as well. The cycle just continues on and on. I feel it is very important for more people to get into that good cycle.

There has been a lot of criticism about the great institution of marriage in recent years. Divorce rates continue to stay just over 50 percent, just about everyone probably knows at least a few people who have gone through a divorce. I know several people, who I never, never, thought would get a divorce, end up with one. It can happen to the nicest couples in the world and sometimes, you just scratch your head and wonder what went wrong.

So how come so many marriages end in divorce? I believe it simply comes down to a few issues. The main issue is communication and not just communication but proper communication. Sure a couple can sit down and talk ever night about their relationship, but what usually happens is one party starts accusing the other and things gradually boil over. Men and women are different in many ways and a good share of  couples cannot understand that.  Men are typically not as sensitive about things as women and that can lead to many problems. I also find from personal experience with dating, that many women tend to read into things way too much, without really communicating their thoughts. Most guys can relate to what I am saying. All of sudden, bang! I am put on the defensive! But it should not be like that. An open honest talk with each other without throwing out harsh accusations towards each other is usually the best way to communicate. I also think that it is very important to put yourself  in the other person’s shoes when communicating. Like, How would you like it if  she said to you, what you just said to her! Insulting someone is an extremely poor way of communicating and will just build to the tension. And the time when you talk is very important as well. Let things simmer a bit if you had a big disagreement or argument.

Another issue is the me, me, me, what is in it for me, attitude.  If I am dating a woman and find she has that kind of attitude, I will dump her like a bad habit! We are all selfish by nature and that has to be put aside in order for a marriage to work. It is about we not me! You really need to compromise. I find many things can be worked out if you can stay flexible.

The final issue is that many people get married when they are too young and not ready. It never fails. Ever year, you see these young, cute couples in their early 20’s get engaged and married. In my opinion, usually, that is way too young.  Many couples only look at the short-term when getting married. But marriage should be a life time thing! Are you still going to love and cherish your wife or husband, when you are 30,40,50,60 and 70 years old? That hunk that you married may start losing his hair or start getting heavier. I would never marry someone just based on looks. People do change a lot in many ways  from the time they are 20 to 30 and so forth. And another thought you should consider. What if the person you are getting married to suffers a crippling injury and winds up paralysed? Would you still love that person or run off and find someone else?

In closing, I really believe people get married for all the wrong reasons and this in turns, causes a lot of problems in our society. Before I close, I would like to share with people something I heard many several years ago that I have never forgotten. A marriage is like a banking account, every time you do nice, little things for your spouse, you add to the account. But on the other hand, if you treat your spouse like dirt, it takes away from the account.  A good marriage should be have an account full of money and a lasting supply of money.